Although I’m working 60 hours a week, the one job I have allows me to be online during my free time so I thought I’d take the time to start blogging again. It was very therapeutic for me back then so I am going to start it up again.

Alright, so I graduated college – That’s kind of a big thing, right? I was so so ready to graduate once I got there. I remember crossing that stage, grabbing my diploma and wanting to scream with happiness. After four years of crazy (like, legit crazy) roommates, stupid boys, bad memories and too many drinks…I had done it. Then a week after graduation, when I was sitting in my room, without a job…I began to realize, “Ah shit, I’m an adult now”…I think I’m going to miss the movie nights with boop, random trips at 2AM to Jim’s steakout, nights out with my international friends and even studying for tests. It was kind of a hard realization….and after 2 months of not having a job it became apparent that what I wanted to run away from so quickly was actually a pretty good deal.

Now, here I am – a working girl with not one, but two jobs. I have gone from working at a staffing agency for construction workers from July-Dec to now working at a staffing agency 5 minutes away from my house…and working at a retail store in the mall as well. Adult life has been a wild ride so far…wild in terms of the fact that the amount of hours I am working is sort of like being in a different state of mind. My life is by no means actually wild – it’s far from that… I’m lucky if I go out once a week. But…I’m actually getting used to it. I figure this is probably the only time in my life I’ll be able to do this – to work as much as I can without too many responsibilities. So although I may complain to my parents (quite frequently, sorry Mom and Dad) and I might be exhausted at the end of the day, I’ve come to the realization that in this day and age I’m lucky to have not only one, but two jobs.

Now the love life on the otherhand… a curse has come upon me. For real – like an actual curse…I swear. Maybe I’ve been watching too many Buffy episodes but it sure feels like I’ve got one – but that’s a story for a whole OTHER post.

Well, I guess I should probably get back to work, huh? Girls got to make a living somehow!

Always telling the truth

-Evelyn

Let’s talk about how 2009 started out…

January 1st, 2009—-

12:00 AM : “HAPPY NEW YEAR” I shouted with a bunch of my friends at my best friend from high school’s (Ann) house. We were all pleasantly buzzed and generally happy to be around each other and feeling good about things. I then spent the next 4 or so hours stumbling around Allen with them smiling, crying, experiencing a range of emotions that one can only call drunkeness.

9:30 AM : My phone rings and I jump out of bed hearing my mother’s ringtone from Buffy The Musical and yes, I am still drunk. This is the classic phone call I receive almost every morning after my mom knows I went out to make sure that I am alive.  It usually goes like this…

Mom: Hey Brie!

Me: ….hi…mom

Mom: OOooo…you sound good!

Me: Yep.

Mom: Just making sure you are ok!

Me: Yep. I am alive. barely. call you when I wake up.

Mom: OK LOVE YOU

Me: yep. love you.

Honestly I’m buzzed when I answer this phone call so it’s a wonder I can say anything at all!

1:00 PM: I wake up. I do not feel as good as I felt when my mom called me. Actually, I feel as if I have been constantly smacked in the forehead with a 2X4 for the last six hours and then dragged through the forest, naked, by tweezers, over razorblades. I am not exaggerating. I feel like death is coming upon me. I am going to only experience 11 hours of 2009 and they weren’t even anything special! How can this be?! I take some Alka Seltzer, and pray I’ll feel better in about five hours.

5:34 PM: I wake up again. Oh shit, I feel even worse. I just need to throw up. Just let me throw up. Pleaseeeeeeee. I run to the bathroom and pray that none of my other housemates are home and just sit by the toilet. I’m not the type of person who can make herself throw up easily but I try and try and unfortunately nothing comes up. I decide I should eat something ( BAD BADDDD IDEA BRIELLE! ). I grab some Teddy Grahams. I mean honestly, they are little graham crackers shaped like Teddy Bears…they can’t be that bad.

6:00 PM: WRONG. WRONGGG. Those little Teddy Bears are the Teddy Bears of death and I am now in bed clutching my stomach. Bathroom. Throw up please. I cough up a little bit of water and some teddy grahams and ew. ew. ewwww. Helpppp.

8:30 PM: I have just watched two episodes of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations and although I feel better about the fact that I have now found a new favorite show I still feel as if I am dying. I text my mom : I have never felt this horrible in my life. She calls and asks if I want her and my dad to come get me. I start crying and I feel like a little kid sick at school. I want to go home and be amongst my eight, well seven cats since mac was in the hospital, and my three dogs. I want my mommy to tuck me in and my daddy to get  me some alka seltzer.

9:30PM: My parents show up. My dad drives my car back while my mom drives the other car and I go with her. I’m in the front seat: sweatpants, hoodie, jacket, gloves, and a bucket in my lap. (Um…how awesome are my parents?) I turn to my mom and say  “Why can’t I just throw up!?!?”

9:33 PM: Throwing up. Yep. In the bucket…in the front seat of the car…next to my mom.

9:45 PM: Never. eating. Teddy. Grahams. Again. I stumble home and Ellie, our 6 and a half month old puppy welcomes me home by jumping all over me and eventually curling right up next to me in bed. Sleep. Please let me sleep. My mom tucks me in and my dad brings me alka seltzer and I am so happy to be home.

January 2nd, 2009 – Long story…short. My dad and I attempt a trip to Chestnut Ridge with our Bihr’s sandwiches and immediately turn around when we see all the little kiddies sledding down the hill. Anti-social? Maybe. Not in the mood for screaming? YES. We go to the living room, eat our glorious sandwiches and talk about life.

One hour later…I am in serious pain and curl up on the couch with my buddy Ellie and realize that I will indeed not be able to eat for at least another night. This makes me depressed as I really would love to eat some food since I start my diet on sunday…or well maybe monday now… I spend the rest of Friday moping around the house feeling as hungover as I would feel if I had spent the night before pounding down a few…yet it has been 2 days since I have touched a drop of that damn alcohol. I watch another episode of No Reservations and an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and go to bed hoping I’ll wake up hangover free!

January 3rd, 2009 – success. I have eaten a few chips and half a cookie today and I feel fabulous! I’m a new woman! Life is great! TAKE THAT 2009!

Ok so not really : I actually have spent the earlier part of today moping around and generally just down about life but it’s 2009. It is time to get involved, to meet more people and to stop talking about everything I want and to start working on it. I want to lost 15 lbs so I am going to. I am not going to mess around with it. I am going to work out and enjoy working out. Now, this is not to say I won’t enjoy some chicken fingers or some ice cream every so often but I will work my ass off in order to do so.

I need to have a better outlook on things. I know I do. I have wonderful parents who would do anything for me and a great cousin who also would do anything for me. Not to mention the three or so friends I could call for advice or just friendship. I can do this. I will get through this. I have to. I am stronger than this.

I’m going through ups and downs right now about my life because I feel alone. I do. But in all honesty, I just need to go out more, enjoy the people I have in my life and above all be happy about myself. I need to love myself before I can do anything else.

Oh and I am also going to start being the DD more. Honestly, after the last two days of the hangover from HELL – from the DEEP, DARKEST HELL – I can’t do it anymore. I mean in one hand i’m pissed b/c i’m 20, in college, why shouldn’t I be able to go out and have fun and not feel like death the next day? One Word: MONO.  Yah mono from almost 2 years ago? Screw you. You effed up my partying ability!

whatever. dd’ing here I come!

Anyway this was probably the most pointless blog ever but I feel better now so hey, that’s good. Hope everyone had a fabulous New Years Eve and that 2009 is the best year yet! One can only hope!

Finally not hungover…and proud,

Evelyn.

oh also my dad keeps complaining that I am spelling Yah, or Yea, or Yeah wrong…whatever.  I’m going to spell it Yah and if I sound Yiddish, so what?! I’m ok with that! It’s a new year! So kiss it Dad! ( love you )

So it seems as if the last few months have been all about making big decisions. 

The first big decision was deciding to move off campus into a house with three guys I didn’t know. This decision pretty much guaranteed my “friendships” at Canisius would probably be forever changed with certain people and in the end I would look like the bitch who abandoned two of her friends. I have to admit I do have problems with people not liking me and being the one who looks like the bad person. But honestly, what was I supposed to do? Put my needs and wants behind me and live in a situation that I know, would in the end, most likely be disastrous with me as the victim? Usually I would say Yes, and put others feelings and needs before mine but this past year I have grown a backbone. I have learned to say no and think of myself before others and as difficult as it has been I think it has been better for me. Sure, the girlfriends I have here feel bad for the girls I had to leave but I had to do it for myself and I’m proud of that.

Second big decision was finally, after all the ups and downs letting my ex go. I decided to give him a second chance after the last blog and well after only a few days I began to ask myself what are you doing? Why are you putting yourself through this when you know it will end poorly? I think I felt like giving him a second chance because I liked certain aspects of our relationship. But in the end I knew it would just all fall apart and I would be back where I was a few weeks ago: lonely, sad, and confused as all hell.

So what did I do? I let him go – I didn’t push the relationship into working and just let go. That is a huge accomplishment for me and I owe some major credit to my sister for helping me out and talking to me about everything. She gave me the push to let him go by making me realize that I deserve better and that I am a stronger person then I think. It was a breath of fresh air being able to talk to her and a breakthrough in our relationship. I value her opinion so much and she helped me be strong and fend for myself, qualities she possesses and uses beautifully.

My parents and my cousin helped me out as well. I am so lucky to have such amazing people in my life. My family IS my life and I would not have it any other way. 

So over the last few months I’ve let a few people go in my life. It has not been easy, hell it has been ridiculously hard and painful and I’ve shed many a tears over them but now it is time for me to take care of myself and let things fall into place day by day.

In other news I’ve been working out at the gym and I feel better then ever. It feels so great to have a routine and I am trying to just get back on track.

Hope everyone had a great weekend! GO BILLS! Smile

—Always telling the truth….-Evelyn

So yah, it is great he realizes that he messed up but what is he going to do about it? I feel as if the last two weeks he has spent more time telling he misses me and how he wants me back rather then showing me that he misses me or wants me back. As my mom says it is not what they say it is what they do.

Last wednesday I decided I would put some effort into making it work so I went over to his place and met his two roommates who are girls. They are so sweet and awesome. I had a great time but it was so so hard to see him and I was so afraid just to fall back into things. He was drunk seeing as though they were having a little party and we ended up kissing, just a peck and he murmured something and looked frustrated. When I asked what was wrong he said ” i just miss you ” – translation into boy language ->>>> “I really really wish we could just make out” Thankfully I have some sort of control over myself and did not let that occur. But I left that night missing him even more and wondering if I should just jump back into things.

I have not seen him since last wednesday because I had to go home for my sister-in-law’s baby shower – which was a blastttt by the way! SO CUTE! - 

This monday we were supposed to hang out. He asked me to come over but I hadn’t been home that much so I asked him if he wanted to come over to my house at school while I unpacked. He said yah, just let me know if you are up for it! So I told him I was home and he said you are coming over. I couldn’t believe my ears. When I called him – long story short – he said that he was in bed, wanted me to come over, didn’t listen to a word I had said before, oh and get this: he didn’t want to lose his parking spot….

Basically what this means is a parking spot was more important then getting me back.

All this really really hurt and I sort of lost it monday night. I blasted Hot ‘N Cold by Katy Perry as high as it could go on my speakers and ran around the house. My roommate was a little bit nervous and decided it would be best if we got out of the house. He drove me to Tim Hortons and let me vent and vent in the car. When I got back home the guy had messaged me telling me he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore. He knows that if we date it will end bad and I’ll get hurt again and that he’s an asshole. Then he proceeded to ask me to go out with him and his friends tonight… 

Honestly?! Like what?! Mixed signals are one of the worst things you can give to someone I think. The last 2 and a half weeks I have spent wondering does this mean we are getting together again? Or are we just friends? Or….

So to all of you out there reading this – next time you feel down and are wondering whether that person wants you or not. If the person you are with is not making it clear they want to be with you, if they keep you guessing – then maybe just maybe, you deserve something so much better. You deserve someone who will make it SO clear that they want you, need you, that you never ever will have to think twice about it. And if, iffff you do end up second-guessing yourself the person you are with will stop those thoughts from occurring and let you know how much you mean to them. They will not be stopped from coming over and making things work because they do not want to lose their precious parking spot on the street.

I am trying so hard to just learn this and remember that I deserve better so if you are thinking well maybe they deserve another chance…I mean they just messed up! Think about how much pain you have been put through being strung along, never knowing where your relationship is going and giving that person all the power. Stick up for yourself. You deserve to know where your relationship is going and what that person wants in return.

I plan on going out with my girls tomorrow night and feeling fabulous and not letting the fact that I’ve been let go, twice, by the same guy, in a matter of three weeks. It hurts like hell, fricken a, does it hurt like hell! But you know what? It’s nothing a great top, fabulous pair of shoes, kick ass pair of jeans, and a nice cold beer with my girlfriends won’t take care of.

Smile. You’re wonderful.

Alright…I’m going to go watch When Harry Met Sally and sulk on my bed…. – Hey, I said I’d start trying to feel better tomorrow!

So I am living in a house with three guys and let me tell you so far everything is going great. The one guy, who is bisexual, and I have gotten very close. He’s super sweet and has the same sense of humor as me. We get along so well and I am happy I finally have someone to hang out with. He is not afraid to be his self which I love. He’s my new “girl friend” and we have our wonderful girl nights which is fabulous. Honestly, having a gay guy friend is a lot of fun and a lot less stressful. It’s like Will and Grace!

Then there is the other roommate, who is a grad student and he is pretty awesome as well. He brought a Wii with him which makes me SOOO happy and he has been great about everything around the house. The 4th roommate has not moved in yet but I think it will go very smoothly.

In other news: You know how sometimes everything can be going so well and then one thing will just ruin it all out of nowhere? Well….that guy I was talking about before was my boyfriend for a while and then it just all fell apart last week. I think we rushed into it and it is mostly my fault because I was so excited about him and wanted him to be my boyfriend while he wanted to wait. Over the last few weeks I have learned a few things about him and he has learned a few things about me and it was pretty clear that it would just not work out. He is just too straight-edged and if you knew my family you would understand how he would NOT mesh with us!

I guess I have learned my lesson for the three-thousandth time….DON’T RUSH INTO THINGS! But I cannot help myself. I just get so excited about a person and want to be with them and just experience things with them right away. I jump right into the deep end and forget how to swim. I apparently have the 2-week curse….I meet someone, we date unofficially for a bit, and then once we start officially dating it only takes two weeks before I am like “What the hell am I doing?”. I then proceed to get my heart broken and try and figure out what is wrong with me. I was doing so well this summer too!

Oh well, shit happens! I spent enough time crying on friday night and now I am trying to just concentrate on school since this was my first week. The boy is still trying to talk to me and I just do not understand how guys think they can just break your heart and then expect you to be OK with them coming over and wanting to all of a sudden NOW go to parties with you.

I’m lucky enough to be in a new house with new people and starting fresh in a new semester meaning I definitely have enough around me to distract me from a broken heart. However, the pain still stings and I am sure it will for a while but whatever as long as I have some delicious ice cream near me and a good friend or two to talk to I think I’ll be fine.

Oh and we got a new puppy at home. We named her Ellie after my friend Tess’ mom who passed away a year and a half ago. She is the sweetest thing and I am so happy we have her now. Here is a pic of her for you all to be jealous of! Hope everyone had a great week – I’m going to finish some homework…( I can’t believe I’m saying that ) and go to bed. I’ll blog more…I swear.

Our new baby girl Ellie!

Let’s just say that is has been one of those weeks, and then some. I have gone from living in an apartment on campus with 3 girls…to living at home…and now…to maybe living in a house off campus…with 3 guys. I have had some realizations about some friends (now acquaintances of mine) and have realized that they are really not the people I thought they were. I have gone from being single to being in a relationship? Or together? – Let’s just say we’re in that awkward stage between dating and being in an official relationship. But still, that’s something new for me since I haven’t had a crush on a guy in months – and that’s saying something.

One thing I can say is that over this past week I have grown. I have stood up for myself and taken a stand against things I knew were not right even if it meant I would look like the loser in the situation. I have stopped letting people walk all over me, a thing I have done since I was little, and realized that having someone not like me is really not the end of the world. And last but not least I have become fully aware of the fact that I do not need people’s approval in order for my world to spin. 

I have come to find that in the end the only person you can really count on is yourself and in my case I also have my family. I have started to concentrate on how I feel and what I want out of things rather then making things easier for others and compromising my own happiness. Now that’s not to say I will change completely and become this cold-hearted bitch who will not have any sympathy for others because that is not simply who I am. I am still the same overly sensitive, people-pleasing, 19-yr-old hoping to make things right for everyone but with just a little bit more of a spine holding me together.

One thing is for sure, if it all works out with the three guys in the house, it is going to be one interesting hell of a year!

A special thanks goes out to my parents, and my cousin Natalie, who without, I might have just literally screamed in some public place just to let it all out – Instead they let me cry to them, talk to them, and most importantly they gave me their advice and support through it all. Honestly, with a family like mine, you are never alone and it is one of the most comforting things in the world.

So next time you are having a bad week just know…it all has to get better, and it will and if you can’t handle things for the time being – take a pillow and scream into it as loud as you possibly can. You will feel so much better. Believe me, I definitely did it once or twice this week!

Speaking of trips…I just watched Under The Tuscan Sun and if there is any movie that makes me want to go to another country and just experience some crazy things and not be afraid of being on my own, this is it. 

I have always had this want and need to go to a foreign country and live there and feel the land. Ask my parents, family, friends…I am, well I guess you could say…I’m obsessed with it for some reason. I do not know why. It is not like I haven’t traveled around the world. I have been to plenty of places – Ireland, Scotland, England, Tahiti, Australia and New Zealand to name a few but now that I am older I want to go back to these places, drink lots of wine and have wonderful flings or meet the man of my dreams. (Either one will do really! )

I think I have this aching in my soul to just get away because I would love to gain some more independence. Really just go out and explore the world on my own. It sounds extremely frightening to me but I think it would do me well. 

I really wanted to study abroad a semester in England or Ireland or somewhere in that vicinity. But seeing as though it would cost my parents and I a fortune right now I am going to put that trip on hold. A lot of my friends are going to London and to Ireland and I can’t help but be jealous.

However, I know my day will come and all I can do is just enjoy what I have going on right now. I mean I’m 19, single, I have an amazing family and some pretty sweet friends and college starts up again in less then a month. I think I am doing alright.

For now I will just keep dreaming of the wonderful place I will eventually get to where I will be confident, beautiful, and ready for some European loving. After all, it is going to take a few years to control myself to the point where I do not fall apart as soon as I hear an accent. For some reason, I am thinking that could be pretty important at some point.

“Signora, between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is an impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come. ”

-Under the Tuscan Sun…how inspiring is this quote?

For those of you who do not know where Fire Island is, it is located right near Long Island and you have to take a ferry to get to it. Pretty fancy, huh? It should be a pretty relaxing weekend with the ocean, the sand, the fact that we could all possibly die from a hurricane in a matter of days….but, honestly, it should be fabulous.  

Not much to say today besides the fact that I look forward to spending a few baby-sitting-free days on the beach sipping some drinks and reading some good books. I have to say I wish my mom could be there with us enjoying the sunshine as well but she is playing Cinderella for the weekend as she would say and is staying home with the grams. THANKS MOM!

Hope everyone has a great weekend and gets to relax a little and take some time off from life!

OH and I was told by my dad today that if bees disappeared off the planet we would die in about four years without them. Basically we are screwed since they seem to be disappearing more frequently….so go save some honey bees people!

Her reply was almost immediate. She said, ‘well you know Brielle, you are too picky.’

‘Now…I don’t know about that,’ was my first response. But as I sat back and listened to what she said I think maybe she was telling the truth. I have had boyfriends over the years but nothing has ever lasted very long because I always find a fault or they just end up being jerks. Although I haven’t had great luck in this department you can’t say I haven’t tried!

I think I know what I like… but I’m still trying to figure out exactly what that is. Every time I meet someone new I have this list of things in my mind with little checkboxes that I check off. Are they sport-hunters? Are they homophobic? Are they overly religious?

I can’t help it — I just do not want to date a homophobic, right-wing Bush lover who thinks God is the answer to life and that killing animals for fun is AWESOME. Clearly I’m not into homophobic, freakly religious, republican men who hunt. Is that a problem? I mean no offense to anybody who is into that, it is just NOT for me.

My grandma brought up the fact that I once dumped a guy because he hunted. OK so the hunting did NOT turn me on but I mean maybe I just did not feel it or maybe the image of him pulling out a rifle and killing a poor little beautiful deer was just not appetizing to me. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a die-hard vegetarian or anything but at least we eat the food that is killed. Hunting for sport drives me INSANE.

Anyway, I am getting off topic. Is being picky the reason why I have not found someone yet? Who knows? Yes, I am only nineteen — almost twenty years old — but I’d like to find something close to what my brother, sister, and parents have. They have love and I want it! But I guess I am just not ready to lower my standards to find it.

Honestly, I am really not THAT picky. I mean I just want a tall, dark, handsome guy who is funny, sensitive, loves animals, could dress up as a woman if needed (you would have to know my family…), is on the liberal side of things and would not mind a non-religious life (I’ll accept relatively benign if he’s drop-dead gorgeous). Oh, and if you could throw in an accent there (preferably Irish, Scottish, or English), that would be fabulous.

I mean am I really that picky? Is that too much to ask?

Long story short, August Rush is about an orphaned boy who uses his music talent to find his birth parents. Sounds confusing, maybe a bit corny, but it is one of the best movies we have seen in a long time.

I definitely recommend watching this movie if you are in the mood for a dramatic, yet heart-warming film filled with music. It is totally family-friendly and Freddie Highmore, the boy who plays the orphan boy, will break your heart with his little smile and dimples. Not to mention for all you ladies out there whose knees wobble upon hearing an accent, Jonathan Rhys Meyers plays the Irish heartthrob who will keep you wanting more. I know that I have a serious addiction with accents and I fell in love with him within the first five minutes.  Oh, oh, and we cannot forget Keri Russell who is the lead actress in the film and did a fabulous job as well.

The movie intertwines the sadness of the situation with the joys of what music can bring. Since my whole family is made up of music lovers, this was perfect for us. Everything that was said about music in the film we could relate to which made it that much better. My mom, dad, and I were all crying by the end and we cannot wait to see it again.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0426931/

Check out the link above to find out more about August Rush.

I hope everyone had a great monday – Mine is just about to get better as I am going out for some sushi tonight with my cousin. Nothing makes me feel better then some california rolls and some shrimp tempura…and maybe some ice cream in there as well!